When The Space Bomb Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's a Lawsuit

Apparently the sky is the worst part of town. We were already on alert for unbalanced sexcopter passengers. There are also, of course, birds. FUCK BIRDS. More on that later.

Now, there's an American spy satellite hurtling toward Earth and it's filled with "toxic gas." Naturally, the solution is to fire a missile at the failed device and blow it to smithereens. Thats a great plan army guys, but none of this seems very covert.

Aren't spies most effective when they're incognito? Crawling into the Kremlin through a ventilation duct and stealing the microfilm is great, but it only works if you creep back out. Don't put on a party hat and intercom the enemies to announce your unsubtle departure. "Hey y'all. Just wanted to let you know I was all up in your files, stealing your secrets. Priceless informations are in my fake tooth. I'm gonna stroll right out the front door, but I'm being straight with you so I trust you'll be straight with me. No face punching."

It's already the worst spy satellite ever. Apparently the design concept is "duct tape Polaroid to gassy explosion balloon" and secretive is the opposite of what they're up to. But not just because they're making a big commotion about the chance their spacecamerabomb will knock you senseless, but because it's huge! It's "school bus-sized!" Based on their actions thus far, it's entirely possible they really did put a bus in orbit and thought nobody would notice. Hey spies! A yellow Laidlaw may not be the best place to hide your intelligence program.

I will give spies the benefit of the doubt and assume their spy camera thing isn't a canary-colored kid carrier. However, this is now as much a public relations debacle as it is an intelligence agency issue and maybe using an educational symbol as a size reference for your spacecamerabomb problem isn't the best idea. The cost of Operation School Bus-Sized Spacecamerabomb probably meant fewer dollars for Operation Teach the Kiddies, which meant fewer school bus-sized school buses, let alone reduced funding for science classes.

This is why the next generation of spies and spacecamerabomb engineers are going to think that it would be totally rad to strap a web cam on a helium-pumped Richard Simmons and float him over Pyongyang. The fate of East-West diplomacy depends on how long he stays stealthy once his boombox batteries give out.